THE FEMININE MEN (1)

It has been about a week, ever since I decided to write on this, I have however been lazy about it. Well, finally I am doing this. These article looks different to me for some reasons, the first being it would be my first multi-visual article, and also this article might sound like I am a chauvinist, but on the contrary I am actually a feminist *laughs*, and I intend to get some burden of the neck of Our mothers and The Future mothers, and also let our Fathers know some bitter truth and also give the Future Fathers something to Ponder upon. Ok, Let’s do this.

There has been some usual recurring, disturbing trend in our generation and the generation before us. The men were raised, learnt virtues or otherwise from their mothers, a lot of men are closer to the mother than to the father, A lot of times the father seem lost in the scheme of things when raising the Male child. The trend gives birth to a string of activities whereby a lot of the men becomes tied to the Mother’s apron strings, leads to a tussle for his attention between the Mother and his Wife, and the War starts. Where is the Man, Dad and Father in the scene of the Movie? NON-EXISTENT!!!

You would argue less that we are running a Fatherless generation, where the Father only believe the duty of the Mother is to raise the kids, while they watch from the Sidelines, for the sake of this article I would focus only on the Male Child. The reason why it seems some Men cannot do without the Mother, even when married could be blamed on the failure of the Father to play his Fatherly role in the Life of that Male Child.

                                           

Using the Words of Bishop Felix Adejumo, The Dad must raise the Boy together with the Mother; else the Son would have a problem. When Sons are growing up, Their Root of Masculinity should be from the Father and not the Mom as the case has always been. What you look at is what you look like!! The case is now so worse that Women are gradually taking over the running of the Home, becoming Bread winners, the Men are growing comfortable with the Women taking over their Heavenly appointed duties, and Men beat wives without remorse anymore, why? Their Source of Masculinity failed to Lead them right, and they had to learn elsewhere. A son gains validation elsewhere when the father fails.

When was the last time, a Father took or sought out his Son, told him a lot about his pasts, where he made mistakes and what life really looks like? Frankly speaking, a lot of mistakes young men make today, their Father also made same, but what could have been avoided became inevitable, because the father failed his duties. 

A Father should be very vulnerable when talking to his male kid(s),  let them also know you make mistakes, don’t act all SUPER-MAN, let him smell you, you should be his role-model, every Dad must call the boy out of the mother’s emotional control.

I would like to stop this first part here, A parting shot would go this way, our mothers have enough troubles raising the Female Children, who are a more complex specie to train, don’t over-burden the Women.

A GENERATION OF TALKERS

With the warm breeze of the Highbrow streets of the Famous Victoria Island  blasting our faces with full force, Nesting Lazily in the backseat of  a KEKE MARWA or NAPEP(tricycle) depending on which you call it, I was trading words and ideas with Principal Partner and chief of One of the Nation’s Foremost event and red carpet outfit, CSI Events Media, Toyosi Ayeleso (esq).

I will tell you one reason, I always like to be around this individual, who always seems to have something new cooking, even if you see him ten times a day. He is one person i can never leave the same after a meeting with him. In other words, He simply dazzles you with words, ideas, coupled with loads of accomplishments. That is not where I am going actually.

Let me give you an insight on what we discussed at the backseat of that Nigerian poverty Alleviation Symbol, the tricycle.

During the days of our fathers, The TALKERS were the main people, their oratory skills, sugar-coated mouths, and persuasion power simply opened doors for them, even when they were not really doing anything, or practicing what they said. They were regarded as the successful ones simply because when they talk, you are not in the position to determine if you would be hoodwinked or not, you would be, it was a constant. There was a myth about them that just instantly opened doors for them, which in turn translated to success.

Fast Forward, We are in still in the abundance of a youthful generation of even more impressive TALKERS, something is however different! You know what it is? In this generation, the TALKERS are the less successful ones. Why? The myth has been broken and it turns out talk hardly moves anything again, it doesn’t open doors anymore, the world has evolved, only the DOERS have the accomplishments, and they are the only respected ones. It is no surprise that the quiet ones are the ones pulling off the biggest stunts in every sector.

An average Nigerian youth is a Motivational Speaker, O Lord God!! You only need to hear a Nigerian Youth speak, and you would just marvel at the Level of the oratory skills Nigeria is blessed with. Sadly enough, they Motivate you, charge you, encourage you, they themselves hardly do anything to change their lives, don’t be surprised if you turn out better than the Motivational Speaker in front of you.

Talk is not Cheap, it is expensive ( at least some speakers make fortune from simply speaking), the bottom line however remains your success and accomplishments can only be judged from the accomplishments that are evident and not how much talk you put in.

Start spending less time talking and more time working on that great idea, An idea talked about doesn’t changed the world, it is only an idea that is birthed, nurtured and matured that changes the world.

Quit the talking and the bragging, and actually start Doing.

MY THEORY ON HAPPINESS

I was privileged to be among three intellectuals of recent at a Hotel in Akure; one of Africa’s foremost music producer J.sleek  (Producer for Tuface, Wizkid et al), Principal partner of Nigeria’s biggest Red carpet outfit Corporate Swaggz Inc. (CSI) Barrister Toyosi Ayeleso (Esq)  and Mr Demola , a good friend who also happens to be a lecturer of Biology at Federal University of Technology Akure. While we brainstormed on a lot of issues over a few drinks, a topic came up, and it bordered on happiness. We talked at length about the world we live in and how it helps or doesn’t help one in being happy. 

I discovered for each person seated, we all had different things that stirred joy and fulfillment in us. I however raised an objection; is it not possible at some point that we don’t get excited about what gives us joy anymore, at least we all know about the “law of diminishing return”. The curve could start to go downwards at some point, and we slip into depression and start to look for something else to gain happiness from. I was however sent crashing back to earth with my observations by my lecturer friend who is also working on a study about human happiness, when he said if what you thought was giving happiness could not on the long run maintain your joy, then in the first place, you were only deriving satisfaction from it and not true happiness, I was stunned with that statement, and it opened a new train of thoughts in me.

            I started to see there was a clear difference between being satisfied and having happiness. They are miles and worlds apart. A lot of us are however yet to decipher what makes us happy as we are satisfied and think we are happy. The truth remains that majority of what we tend to gain “happiness” from are material things ( bank account, our smartphones, cars, net worth). 

These things only give satisfaction, at a point, you get fed up with the kind of car you use, you want a latest model, your bank balance no longer appeals to you, there is a craving to increase it, the look of your house, no longer looks fashionable, compared to that of your friend’s, there is an innate urge to renovate, something is common to satisfying our desires, it more or less looks like we are in some kind of race( well, that’s what we are made to believe that life is a rat race), and over time when we are unable to satisfy that desire, maybe for some reasons, a kind of depression or sorrow sets in. have we ever sat down to think of this? Satisfaction can be stolen, but true joy and happiness can never and would never be stolen. When our so called “source of happiness” (material wealth) is stolen or we get swindled, we immediately feel a vacuum inside us that throws in into a pit of deep sorrow. True source of happiness most of the times comes from things we cannot see. 

            Ask the volunteers for rural evangelism, ask the girl child advocates, ask the individuals who derive joy from putting smiles on the faces of people who have been on the harsh side of life. They would tell you that inner joy that is beyond words, beyond description, that joy that makes you shed uncontrollable tears. This happiness gives you some sense of fulfillment that whenever you remember, it still sends shiver down your spine, the kind of happiness that makes you forget food, because it fills you up. Material wealth would not give us anything close to this. 

Factually, we tend to be more prone to depression than happiness. Ask the families of the Wall Street executives who committed suicide during the period of depression that gripped the global economy. Even with the depression, they were not in want, they were still millionaires as the case may be, the dwindling value of their stocks which hitherto gave them satisfaction when they were commanding attention on the stock exchange, was now a source of concern and depression for them, which on the long run led to their death. Why? They lived on a “theory of satisfaction” and not on “a theory of happiness”. 

So ultimately, their doom was near when their source of satisfaction hit the rocks. If money were to give great deal of joy, then the moneybags of our time should be the happiest of all. Have you ever wondered why it looks like the downtrodden are the seemingly happiest people on earth. No, No, No, don’t get me wrong, I am not against making a great deal of money. It is important we do, it is however disastrous when we look to derive our joy it or make it our source of security.

Your source of happiness might not necessarily be same as every other person, neither is it difficult for you to find out what gives you deep sense of happiness. When I was in the process of finding out what gave me true happiness, at some point, I thought it was video games; I later got to find out that when I play games to some extent, I get tired of it and would try looking for something else to do. At times, I felt it was money, friends or even family, but they did not fill me up, though they filled my happiness cup to a large extent, but the cup was always left half- full most times. I only got to know writing and speaking productively filled me more than anything else, whenever I do any of these two things, my joy knows no bound. Anything that makes you happy, would never appear monotonous to you, there would not at any point in time, even if it is for a second a secret wish to do something else. 

As long as you get tired of that thing making you happy, you do not have happiness yet, you are only getting satisfaction. Most times, in the world we live in, there is too much stress, not too good news or enough responsibility that makes one grumble and complain all day long, everyone is out there putting on forlorn looks, like the world is a place of all gloom, but I tell you in the midst of it all, there are people that are very happy.  You have to find your own place and source of happiness, by world order, you aren’t meant to be happy, you are probably surrounded by people, who don’t understand you, who misunderstand every move you make, believe me, it could be frustrating, I know that feeling.

There are many sides to the cube of happiness, it doesn’t deal with you alone being happy, it includes spreading happiness and putting smiles on the face of everyone that comes in contact with you. Have you ever thought of this? You are on your way to work or school in the morning; you beckon to a motorcycle rider, on getting to where you are standing, you do the unusual, and you greet the motorcyclist, “Good morning sir, how was your night? How is the family? What do you think would be his reaction? Definitely, he would answer you, but he would be in pleasant shock. Why? This set of people in our society are used to people who quarrel them, insult them, and a lot of them have had to take all these in good faith so as to be able to make ends meet. During a conversation with one of them, he made me understand that at times, he gets insult from someone not even as old as his first child, he however has no choice, but to bear it, and throughout that day he absorbs in pitiful thinking. 

Now, away from the norm, you do the unthinkable by showing you care, making him feel he is not disadvantaged to be an “okada” rider, throughout the journey, you chat him up, you alight and pay your fare, even adding extra tip and telling him words like “have a nice day sir and God bless you”; please tell me such a person would not be in high spirits throughout work that day, your words would always reverberate in his mind, which would serve as an extra incentive at work, and he ends up lucky enough to earn higher than he normally earn that day, he would attribute his luck to you. My friend, now I tell you that is true happiness. 

In your everyday journey in life, be a source of happiness, be an instrument of joy, you can never tell what kind words could do to anybody. It takes no effort in spreading happiness, but a lot more stress is put into creating strife and unhappiness. You want a paradise- like world where everyone is at peace? It starts from your own little corner and effort. At home, work, school, market, church, in the bus, anywhere, whatever mood you are in, SPREAD HAPPINESS.

THE PERFECT ROLE MODEL

                                                              

            I was looking through a year book of a university class of recent, and in my usual manner taking my time to read about every student profiled in the booklet I was holding. I took particular interest in who they all called their role models and mentors, some mentioned individuals of questionable characters and well as expected, some listed great individuals. I however noticed a disturbing trend, less than five people listed either of their parents as mentors. 

Let me help you understand, in over 100 students, only three of them wanted and hoped to be like their parents in the nearest future. I quickly did a mental retrospect down memory lane and remembered times I had ever talked about this issue with friends, I also realized less than three of about 20 people I had discussed with in times past, said their parents were mentors to them. Trust me, my thoughts wandered and ran riot as to why do we have this trend. I arrived at some conclusions of my own; however I still stand to be corrected.

            To start with; some salient questions are begging for answers. Who do we call a role model or mentor? As the case may be. What do we look out for or what features do we hope to imbibe that we see in our mentors. Do we know our mentors deep enough to wish for the kind of lifestyle they live? 

Let’s ask ourselves those questions. I discovered a lot of us choose our mentors based on superficial and exterior features. From my interaction with those who pick music superstars as role models, their choice was not based on the inspiration in the music of such person or who the person really is when the whole pomp, glitz and fame are put aside, but are only motivated by the flaunting of cash, acquisition of cars, houses, studs and the hordes of followers who drool at their feet. Is that what a role model entails? I thought choosing a role model should be all about the person’s natural features and what he truly represents even in his private closet? And even to some of us who think we have chosen great individuals who have at one time or the other impacted their environment and on the outside have portrayed themselves to be great leaders, how do we feel when their private lives come under public light and we discover they are not who we actually thought they are?

            Away from that, why do we have a generation that hardly has their parents as role models? Everyone would probably have different reasons. Well, our parents are not perfect, some of them maybe have characters that are shameful, and some probably get things wrong or don’t have features we crave, they are maybe not close enough or friends with us as much as we have loved. 

However it may be, they remain our parents, and very big kudos and hearty cheers to them to how far they have led us, believe me or not, they remain our most prized possessions. Now, they are not your mentors, you know the reasons why.

            A lot of us reading this piece are most likely on that track to marriage and becoming parents, have you ever pondered on these thoughts? Whoever you have called your mentor, are parents to some other people, no matter the bond you share (for those of us that have personal contact with them), the truth remains they are not your parents!! 

When you begin to have your kids, would they make you mentors or they would also choose parents from the outside? Be truthful to yourself, the kind of life you are living right now, the kind of ideologies you have, the things you spend your time doing, would they be good enough for your kids to say YES!! I want to be like Mom or Dad. How deep are you in the things that add value and virtue? Are your ideas based on sincerity, integrity, honesty and patience?

            Sadly enough, I look at we the set of next generation parents and even those of us married, and discover unless we sit ourselves down and talk senses into us, the trend might just continue, our values are weak, our morals are deficient and leadership traits in us is almost non-existent, so how do we plan do mentor our kids. Mentoring is beyond the provision of your duties (care, education, material things) as parents. 

You have to be a friend, teacher, and leader, be your kid’s first lover. Some of us did not pick our parents as mentors because they did not create an enabling environment where we were free to tell them our worries or whatever we had done, no matter how bad. Create that platform for your kids, and make them safe, knowing they have a confidant in you. Do not make your kids wish to have the kind of family their friends at school have, you would lose them forever. 

A situation where your kids have to pick a parent like you from the outside and wish for their lives shows how irresponsible you are. I call on every youth cum adult out there, think about it, and choose to live wisely and be great parents to our kids so as to also make them great parents to their own kids, therefore creating a chain and society of responsible citizens.